Humans lie. They lie a lot. They will tell you that going to the doctor is “good” for you, that it won’t take long, and that it won’t hurt. Lies, lies, LIES…
Forgiveness can be purchased only with honest tuna, paid up front upon your return home, with interest due to the emotional distress you suffered when you were shoved into a rigid, coffin-like carrier and taken, against your will and despite your protests, to the vet for needless tests and multiple pokes, even though you feel just bloody fine.
It takes a lot of tuna to forgive a liar.
Never settle. Always aim higher.
There is no wrong place to sleep.
Bouquets should be proportional to the areas they adorn.
Too big or too small throws off the feng shui.
Depending on your cable or satellite service, you may no longer require a DVD or Blu-ray player to get the best in home entertainment.
Replace the old, clunky players with a modern, sleek Catbox.
He may not play anything, per se, but his glare will let you know that what you’re watching isn’t cool.
Cats, with their pointy claws, can start the important work of turning your living room couch into an artful, postmodern, deconstructionist statement piece, but it takes a dog to finish the job.
Take control of the purse strings if you find yourself running low on treats, catnip and/or sundry mouse toys.
If your Humans shop online, all the better.
Their passwords are one of your names. Guaranteed.
Sit on the seeds. That will make them grow faster.
Good looks make everything better. For example, when you are waiting an inordinately long time for your Humans to twist open the faucet of youth, you can check yourself out in the bathroom mirror and think “yeah, I’ve still got it.”
Occupy the high ground.
Don’t take the Meowies’ hisses personally. Pursue diplomacy.