Happy Fourth of July, Humans!
Instead of celebrating your freedom with a barrage of noisy fireworks, why not open a series of tuna cans for us, the most independent creatures ever, American Cats?
–Finnegan and Quicksilver
Thank you, Humans, for installing this new couch in our private, members-only Cat club, sometimes erroneously referred to as a front porch.
What’s that, Humans? You want to sit on our couch?
No, you may not.
First, you are not members, membership is by invitation only and, even if we were to invite you, the club fees amount to more cans of tuna than you can afford.
Second, the only remaining cushion is reserved for our esteemed club member Quicksilver.
–Phelps and Darth
What a lovely, colorful salad bar you have set up for me, Human Mommy!
May I assume that a fine tuna entree will be forthcoming?
A Kitten cannot thrive on rose petals alone.
Your porch, Humans? We fear you are mistaken–this is a Members Only Cat Club.
Say what? You want to join?
We regret to inform you that membership is by invitation only and the fees are more tuna cans than you can afford.
–Finnegan, Darth Vader, and Phelps
It’s important to avoid certain topics when talking with certain friends. For example, some friends may not like talking about politics while other friends may not appreciate a detailed description of the saucer of shredded tuna you ate for lunch.
Unloading the dishwasher is all well and good but wouldn’t it be more productive to crack open a can or two or three of tuna for your beloved panther?
Are you a large cat posing in front of a large lasagna? Don’t play into the cliché.
Ignore the lasagna. Demand tuna.
There are Woofies on the couch and politics on TV.
Life is stressful.
The Humans have their beverages of choice.
You are well within your rights to order a tunatini to help yourself cope.
Humans lie. They lie a lot. They will tell you that going to the doctor is “good” for you, that it won’t take long, and that it won’t hurt. Lies, lies, LIES…
Forgiveness can be purchased only with honest tuna, paid up front upon your return home, with interest due to the emotional distress you suffered when you were shoved into a rigid, coffin-like carrier and taken, against your will and despite your protests, to the vet for needless tests and multiple pokes, even though you feel just bloody fine.
It takes a lot of tuna to forgive a liar.
If your Humans do not immediately offer you tuna upon their return home, jump in their car and sniff around to determine where they’ve been and, more importantly, what they’ve brought you.